In Love With An Addict, hurts. It breaks our hearts to see them suffer like that. Worse yet, there is just nothing we can do to change them. We can only change ourselves really.
You made the choice
You made the choice,
to hurt me, and cause
me pain. You broke my
heart, twisted my soul
unlike any other.
(Poem by hopingicanhelp, Friends and Family of Substance Abusers)
In Love With An Addict
In Love With An Addict twists your heart. Worse yet, you cannot seem to let go. The addict has tied you to his ball and chain.
One in ten Americans suffer from drug or alcohol addiction. You want them to stop doing that, but they just don’t seem able to. It is indeed easier said than done.
Broken promises abound, lies by the plenty. Suspicions, deceit, back stabbings, and you have been put under the bus a million times and again. You have walked-out, come back in again, only to get hurt again.
Addiction is an illness
Addiction is an illness one is never cured of. The addiction is just as much an illness as diabetes is. One would not breakup with somebody we love just because they are diabetic. That would be a total lack of compassion. Nor does average spouse of an addict break up with the addict just because he suffers from an addiction.
When the person we love suffers from substance abuse, we are the first to come to terms with the fact that he obviously suffers from an illness which is addiction to Ethol or to some other substance. So we try to encourage our loved one to stop what he is doing to himself.
We encourage our addict and support him through detox and family counselling. We even stop drinking ourselves – even we are not addicted to alcohol ourselves. And we try to nurse them during recovery.
A great many who suffer from addiction, seem to not want to stop what they are doing to themselves and to us too. Those, you cannot reach, nor do they want to be reached. It’s as if no amount of compassion , nor love can change them… They drain your energy, and they want more. Click on Eating Rubble, to read further about addiction.
Many addicts do overcome their addiction to alcohol and drugs. There is something you can do to help them. You can help your addict to look forward to recovery! But first, you need to get real.
Get real! Getting someone to admit they are powerless over alcohol or drugs, is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. Admitting one is powerless over alcohol or drugs is difficult enough for you to do yourself; and so it the same for the addict.
For an addict to realize they are an addict is close to impossible. You can be calm and patient, or bitch and yell, neither way will get anywhere with that. You need to realize that you are in love with an addict, just as much as the addict needs to realize he is an addict.
It will take serenity to accept you can not change the addict. It will take courage to change what you can about your own situation. And wisdom to know the difference. You need to learn where you stop, and where the addict begins. You need to know where the line you have drawn in the line is, just as much as you need to know where his line in the sand is.
His mind is covered by a dark cloud looming about it. And so is yours in a cloud. You first have to get your head out of the cloud, so to show him the way out of his addiction. Not only is the sick with his substance abuse, so are you. An addict makes about 85 persons in his environment; some may be just as sick as he is, even though they do not abuse alcohol or drugs themselves. He makes his spouse and children sick from his abuse. Also his family and friends. His co-workers and his employer too.
In many cases, the addict becomes alienated from those who care and love him. He risks getting fired from the workplace, if that has not already happened yet. His dependency on alcohol or drugs is so very powerful, that it becomes all-encompassing to him and to his loved ones. Even you are successful with an intervention, he remains at high risk of a relapse. Falling off the proverbial wagon happens. Walk into any alcohol or drug anonymous self-help meeting, you will hear the addict speaker there insist upon saying, that the addict must seek help of the addiction – on his own accord for it to work for him. So, first thing first, take care of yourself!
Take care of yourself
Take care of yourself. First thing first, is to change yourself before you can ever change your addict. You cannot fix your addict if you can’t fix yourself first.
So many of us who care about and love our spouse or a family member who suffers from an addiction. We want to fix everything that we feel is not right with him in his life. This is because what is happening to him affect us directly.
The addict has made us sick just as much as he has made himself sick, if not more. The ego of an addict is soooo huge and enormous, that he plays god over us. He enslaves us into meeting his ego’s needs at all cost to ourselves. Which brings us to let go of our own morals and principles, so that his may live.
Sooner or later, he will expect you to give him money; to lie for him, to keep his secrets; to nurse and baby him; to give him a place to stay; to front his debts on your arm; to clean-up after him when he messes both on himself and on you. He will punish you for having contradicted him; to not call 911 when he injures himself badly; he make you pay for his mental and physical services. In his faulty rational he will feel the need to be violent against you so he can show you he doesn’t want you to mother him. He will confuse your own sense of good judgement, just because you disturb his buzz, or that the baby does. Click on Tattered Dreams, to learn more about addiction.
We soon discover that the addict pulls away even further from us, when we try to fix him. All you can really do, really, is to fix yourself.
Fix yourself first
Fix yourself first just as much for your own sake, as for his. By fixing yourself first, you give yourself hope. And by extension, your show him that he can also find hope for himself too.
Dot let him ruin you too and the children too!
Active addicts bring great suffering to all who care for him and love him. Even though you cannot change the addict, by changing yourself first will help both you and him find hope. So to find hope, you need to look for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Being in love with an addict, hurts. I know, because I’ve been there, done that. Click on Those Old Aylmer Days…